


Am I An Asshole For Refusing to Take Down My Penis Statue

by agrajag



Category: IT (1990)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Domestic Bliss, Established Relationship, M/M, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-29
Updated: 2020-10-29
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:54:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,799
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27266047
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/agrajag/pseuds/agrajag
Summary: Richie had commissioned the statue from an artist that he had been sleeping with in, like, 1983, and it had been sitting beside his TV ever since. Sure, that meant he had to buy a bigger entertainment stand when all the TVs started getting wider and wider, but it was worth it.[...]Richie had supported the arts. That was a good thing.Sure, the statue was of his penis... and was four feet tall... but still.Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and all that jazz.[...][Eddie] had looked like a stuffy forty year old even when they were kids, and he definitelywasa stuffy forty year old now. But once they defeated Pennywise, they were finally free. Free to be themselves and truly live. Which for Eddie meant to stop being so stuffy, moving out of his mother's house, shacking up with Richie, and letting him keep the penis statue next to the TV.He had actually laughed when he had first stumbled in, dragging his 'toiletry bag' which was really just a suitcase, saying it was 'perfect' for Richie.
Relationships: Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier
Comments: 6
Kudos: 55





	Am I An Asshole For Refusing to Take Down My Penis Statue

**Author's Note:**

> i wasn't feeling yesterday's horror kinktober prompt so i allowed myself to start writing this based on [yet another silly reddit post](https://twitter.com/AITA_reddit/status/1320525580832559114) but i'm on a crazy swing again at work so i just finished it now and i'm behind once again whoops
> 
> this is really only rated M for the frankly terrifying amount of times i say "penis statue"

Richie had commissioned the statue from an artist that he had been sleeping with in, like, 1983, and it had been sitting beside his TV ever since. Sure, that meant he had to buy a bigger entertainment stand when all the TVs started getting wider and wider, but it was worth it.

He had modeled for it, naturally, and it was so realistic that guests could tell right away. Well, most guests, but that's only because most people Richie had over where hook ups. It still meant that the artist was quite talented, and although that particular fling ended up not lasting that long, Richie was proud of him.

Plus, Richie had supported the arts. That was a good thing.

Sure, the statue was of his penis... and was four feet tall... but still.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and all that jazz.

And, well, Richie and his guests thought a four foot tall penis was fucking gorgeous.

But then Richie went back to Derry. Two seconds after seeing Eddie, Richie knew he would do anything to have him back in his life for good, and that included finally maturing. Because Eddie looked like he had matured, and Richie didn't mean that in a "my baby, you have grown" way. Although, he meant that too, and he found himself in the bathroom at the restaurant, furiously jerking off.

It was alright, though, because Eddie later confided in him that he did the same once they had arrived back at the inn.

The point was, he had looked like a stuffy forty year old even when they were kids, and he definitely _was_ a stuffy forty year old now. But once they defeated Pennywise, they were finally free. Free to be themselves and truly live. Which for Eddie meant to stop being so stuffy, moving out of his mother's house, shacking up with Richie, and letting him keep the penis statue next to the TV.

He had actually laughed when he had first stumbled in, dragging his 'toiletry bag' which was really just a suitcase, saying it was 'perfect' for Richie. Granted, once he found out it was an exact replica of Richie's equipment (and, oh, what a night _that_ was) he was always a little flustered when he walked by.

Time went on, and the statue faded into the decor once more, however. A four foot tall penis statue does eventually lose all sensationalism when you see it every day.

And then --

\-- the world started to end.

At least, that's what it felt like. Sonia was coming to visit. She was actually going to leave her lair and step foot into Richie's personal space. Of course, checking up on her precious Eddie was the only thing that could make her face a flight cross country gross, disgusting Beverly Hills. And maybe it was the thought that seeing his mother again would break Eddie out of this spell, and he'd realize that it had all been a huge mistake, and he would return to New York with Sonia. 

And maybe it was that thought that caused him to have a panic attack that could rival the Derry induced one. Eddie, who was taking the news surprisingly well, had patted Richie's back as he tried to control his breathing.

"How are you so calm about this, huh, beautiful?" Richie asked once he had stopped freaking out.

"Because I have you by my side, of course," Eddie answered, like it was the most natural thing in the world.

So Richie did his best to not worry about the whole thing. Or at least not worry about Sonia sinking her claws into Eddie and whisking him away on her broomstick. Maybe he was confusing his metaphors, but a monster could be a witch and vice versa, right? He busied himself with his work, writing that screenplay he had always said he'd write some day. He tried to help Eddie clean the guest room, even if he thought it didn't need it himself. Eddie had used it when he had first moved in, after all. Not like that lasted long, but that meant it wasn't covered in dust everywhere or anything. Apparently that mindset meant he was just getting in the way, so he found himself getting kicked out as Eddie still dusted everything, changed out the sheets, and made sure to put away anything that he may have accidentally left in there. He had been so busy with that task during the couple of days they had before Sonia's arrival that he hadn't even thought about the fact that there may have been a thing or two he should have taken care of in other rooms. Such as...

"What in God's name is that?" Sonia asked with a scandalized gasp as she walked into the house.

Richie's eyes were wide as he glanced between the statue, Sonia, and Eddie. He was busy trying to concoct the perfect joke to laugh it all off, but then he realized that would only serve to piss her off more. Honestly, he'd just be handing her more ammo when she eventually tried to talk Eddie into moving back to New York. He was about to start begging for forgiveness instead when Eddie surprised him and Sonia by saying, "It's a statue, Ma."

He then moved on, offering to take Sonia's things to the guest room, and started prattling on about the dinner he was making with all the fresh, organic ingredients he had bought at the local farmer's market. Richie and Sonia were left standing in the living room, and for the first time since he had first met her when he was five years old, Richie felt almost a kinship toward her. They both started at each other in shock, although Richie knew Sonia's came from anger while his was because he was damn proud of how Eddie had handled the situation so unexpectedly yet efficiently.

He wasn't going to lie: it kind of turned him on, and the last thing he wanted was to be horny when his partner's awful mother was right there in the room with him, so he mumbled a lame excuse about helping Eddie lift Sonia's suitcase, and ran off to the guest room. Eddie was leaving, pulling the door shut behind him, and Richie quickly pushed him up against it and kissed him square on the mouth.

"Richie, what are you doing?" Eddie asked with a giggle. "Ma could come up and see."

"You are so sexy, standing up to her like that. And being so carefree and brave. I'm so proud of my little spaghetti man."

Eddie groaned.

"Don't call me that when you're being so sincere. I don't know how to feel now."

He pushed past Richie, and got started on the fresh, organic dinner he had been talking about, and the statue was forgotten about for the moment. Dinner with Sonia was uncomfortable but for the reasons Richie had anticipated. She had never liked Richie, and now he was the one who had stolen her son away from her, so she was distinctly cold toward him. Eddie tried to keep the peace, but there was only so much he could do. Sonia was never going to change, and certainly not because of one dinner.

That night, as Eddie got comfortable in his usual position tucked up underneath his arm, Richie said, "I should throw it away."

"Throw what away, honey?"

"The statue. It's dumb. Like, it's funny for a frat boy or a bachelor, but well. I was ten years too old to be a dumb frat boy when I got it, and I'm definitely not a bachelor anymore. And now it's just going to cause guff with your mother, so I should just throw it away, right?"

"It's your statue and it's up to you in the end, but if you don't want to throw it away, I will support that decision. My mother's opinion shouldn't even factor into it."

"God, I love you," Richie said as he leaned down to kiss the top of Eddie's head.

"I love you, too. Even if your penis isn't actually four feet long."

"Oh, Eds gets off a good one."

Richie didn't throw the statue away the following morning. Even if his fingers itched to pick it up and just follow through with the easy solution. He swore he could feel Sonia glaring at him every time he turned around, but he was obviously too chicken shit to call her out on it. 

She, on the other hand, never had any qualms saying what she meant, so it didn't take long for her to pull him aside and demand that he get rid of it.

"It's unsightly and obscene and... and... It's going to scare guests away!" she said shrilly. 

'It didn't scare you away, unfortunately,' is what Richie wanted to say but instead he tried a slightly more mature approach, explaining that a friend who did nude art had gifted him the statue. It was true enough that he didn't trip over the lie and he felt that no one could argue with supporting the arts.

Except Sonia could, of course.

"Your friend is just as disgusting as you. You're certainly not the sort of company my Eddie should be keeping, but if he insists on following through with this, I want him to be able and meet good people. No person with a sound mind will walk through that door and wish to continue associating with my son."

"Then I promise we won't be hosting any parties any time soon," Richie said, and he could hear a giggle come from the kitchen.

Thankfully Sonia hadn't planned on a long stay, and with the constant bickering over the statue, shortened said stay. Eddie drove her back to the airport, leaving Richie to flop down on the couch and watch TV until he returned. He must have fallen asleep while watching David Hasselhoff run down the beach because next thing he knew, Eddie was climbing on top of him and kissing him awake.

"Hi beautiful," Richie mumbled, still half asleep.

"She's gone," Eddie said in lieu of a greeting. "She's gone and I am so sorry for putting you through all of that and I love you for dealing with me."

"Eddie baby, no part of this is 'dealing with you.' I would do anything for you, you know that, right?"

"Like throw away your penis statue, I know. I love you, Richie."

Running his hand through Eddie's hair, Richie said, "I love you, too."

He lost himself in kissing Eddie softly as they laid there on the couch, watched by the looming penis statue in the background, and Richie wouldn't have it any other way.


End file.
